Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”