fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
tis the season
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*limbos under the caution tape
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.