Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers