looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?