Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”