(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
new shirt idea
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”