I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Here’s a meme
dutch so unserious
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
you gotta be faster
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?