no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
You Might Also Like
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!