Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The first one, obviously
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”