Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Buck naked
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.