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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”