Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.