“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
In space, no one can hear…
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir