You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history