Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.