Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then