I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children