I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Midwest trash talk
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
doing your own taxes
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.