Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
You Might Also Like
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Catercrombie & Fish
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.