Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
stop
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Customer is always right
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.