me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
ok like just. call me at this point
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.