Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*