Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.