there has never been a better use of this meme
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
He wanted to make sure😂
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Anyone want a chair?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.