Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*weighs self after shaving
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
all bases covered
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.