It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The dark side of Canada
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here