Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
fixed it
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.