this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor