There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You Might Also Like
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”