Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
thinking about a very short hotdog
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Morning.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you