I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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is this how new cars are made??
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
my retirement plan is braless
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.