I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
What even happened today?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans