morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*praying for world peace*
God:
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN