It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My dating profile:
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I’m already scared
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.