Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Mission: Impossible
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.