“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email