How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Good boy 😂😂
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”