If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
You Might Also Like
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Happy Halloween 🎃
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it