I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I need better friends
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.