Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
For the baby who has everything
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work