A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.