Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
#titanic
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds