I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.