if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
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[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
that lip filler tho
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I like long walks away from everyone
welp
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*