Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.