*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Pigeon open mic night.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.