I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Boating season is upon us.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.