Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
This kid is going places
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now