Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Life is a suicide mission.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”