Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?